The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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