Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
