If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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