apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
