I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
