I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
