I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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