Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
