if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
