last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need water and some morals
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
