I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
