the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you made out with another girl for some wings
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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