Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
