i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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