I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
where are my eyebrows?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
