you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
