you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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