As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
