why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
