I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
