I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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