haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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