Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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