my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
