yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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