Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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