watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just found puke in my bra..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
