i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
