I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
