nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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