He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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