woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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