Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
