Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
