So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
