Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
