I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
