The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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