Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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