You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
