haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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