How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
