do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
