Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
