this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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