Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
