Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
