also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
