mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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