the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
