dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I deserve this hangover.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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