he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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