to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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